Broken Barricades
by Geeeky-fandoms
Summary: How close are Cal and Ethan? What would happen should Cal disappear? What would happen to Ethan? How would he cope? And who would he turn to? Warning: some upsetting content Disclaimer: I don't own casualty
1. Chapter 1

How close are Cal and Ethan? What would happen should Cal disappear? What would happen to Ethan? How would he cope? And who would he turn to?

1.

"Dr Hardy, can you tell me what happened from the beginning?" The phycologist asked

"I can, but, do not interrupt me. If you have any questions wait until the end." Ethan said his hands shaking.

"Okay, please tell me everything. I want to help you Ethan, I really do." The phycologist stated sipping his tea.

"Actually, it all starts when Caleb and I were just children. I was six when my brother broke my wrist; Chinese burn it went a bit wrong apparently. Watching the doctors that day I knew that's what I wanted to do. A few years later, when I was eight, Caleb tripped me up. I cracked my head open and lost a fair amount of blood. Again, I ended up in accident and emergency watching the doctors do their jobs. By this point I was fascinated by the human body, the way each part worked and the way it all came together. I used to have a skeleton and I'd time myself to see how quickly I could name all the bones. Cal never understood my love for medicine. When I was eleven I spent a while in hospital, Cal and I were in the woods near our house, there was this sort of cliff type thing and we used to climb down it. So, we ran up to get to it and on the way up Cal tripped on a tree root. Naturally, I laughed, only a little, but Cal got mad. He pushed me; I told him to stop, we were near the edge. Nevertheless, he pushed me again. I fell backwards off this cliff landing on a tree root fracturing one of the bones in my back and knocking myself unconscious. The first thing I did when I woke up was apologise to Cal. When I was thirteen I told Cal about me getting bullied, later that day Cal told me I deserved it. He told me how worthless I was. He was drunk out of his mind, but I didn't know that. That was the first time I attempted to take my own life. You see I always lived in fear of Cal's judgement. When Cal was telling me how worthless I was, I truly believed him. I believed everything he told me because he was my role model, I suppose he still is in a way. When I was swallowing the pills, part of me wanted to stop, but, I just kept telling myself that it was what Cal wanted me to do. It wasn't. When I awoke Cal was right next to me; he promised me he'd never touch a drop of alcohol again. We all know he broke that promise. It wasn't the first promise he broke and it defiantly wasn't the last. The bullying continued way into my late teenage years, I was just that guy the one who was easiest to pick on. You see, I had glasses and braces, I was nerdy and no-one defended me. I suppose I could have done more to defend myself, protect myself. Colourful, that's how to describe attempt two, or red. Lots of blood. I mean loads, I don't really think it needs anymore explanation. Only that Cal wasn't there for me when I needed him. I couldn't deal with all the crap in my life. Cal wasn't there. I just..." Ethan began his story.

"Hey, it's fine. Take all the time you need. I understand that it's difficult, I just need to know."

A/N I'm not sure how I feel about this story. It's an idea I've had for a while I've had to write it. So, I may not write another chapter but if you like it I probably will.


	2. Chapter 2

Dedicated to the person who asked for a second chapter tonight.

2.

"I just..." Ethan began his story

"Hey, it is fine. Take all the find you need. I understand that it is difficult, I just need to know." The phycologist looked at him sympathetically.

"I just needed some form of freedom from this cage I was locked in. This hell i was living. This torture I was experiencing. The way I was at the time I hated it. I could not stand my life. I could not stand myself. I wanted to die. I still want to die. No- one will let me die and I do not understand why. I'm nothing special. Oh I digress where was I oh yes. Attempt two, blood loss. I was already dying in a way, so to die was not frightening for me. Not a lot frightened me at the time. Only love. Love is terrifying and I will come back to this point. I obviously was unsuccessful with this attempt. I woke up again. I awoke. I didn't die. I genuinely cried when I awoke I cried for hours, until I fell asleep. Then when I awoke again the same happened. This happened for a few weeks, I saw my first therapist after this. I suppose it was for the best but, at the time, therapy wasn't for me. It did not help at all. Honestly, I think it made me feel worse, but I kept going. Mum wanted me to. By the time I finished therapy, I was just starting med-school. I had not seen my brother in a few years, that was probably better for me. Then my brother turned up, in the middle of the night completely of the blue. Told me that my dad had died. Ruined my life. Destroyed everything. I did not know how to react, my dad had died. I loved him, but then I love cal. Love is not always put in the right people you can get seriously hurt by love. It is more dangerous than any weapon you see, because you need it, because as humans we crave it. That is how it wins. I almost let it. Yeah, number three. This time, there was water a large amount of water. I really do not like to talk about any of this and I do not know why I'm here." Ethan continued. He really didn't want to do any of this.

"Then why are you here Ethan?" The man asked.

"Some people who I regard very highly wanted me to come." Ethan said

"How many people do you regard highly?" The man asked.

"Very few." Replied the doctor glancing around the room.

"Can you continue?" The man asked

"I can. It just felt so wrong to be here without him. Death is cruel, it is crueler than love and that is hard to do. I'm fact, I would say it is near impossible to do. But it is and hurt so bad. Literally, there are two thing i hate the most in this world and they are love and death. Love tears you limb from limb and guts you; death it just tears you limb from limb. But they are both horrible and they are the cause of so much pain that I hate them with a burning passion and nothing will ever stop that. That brings us to more modern times. Are you still paying attention?

A/N so this is rubbish but I wrote it like just now so.. Yeah here you go chapter 2 of Broken Barricades


	3. Chapter 3

3.

"That brings us to more modern times. Are you still paying attention? Good. I was now a fully qualified doctor. Actually, I had been for sometime. My brother and I were closer than ever. But one night, out of the blue, he upped and left. I didn't know when I'd see him again. I hurt myself, but didn't attempt. I couldn't attempt. I wanted to, I wanted to but I knew Caleb didn't want it. Then I got over it. I understood that Cal wanted to go, that for whatever reason he wanted to go abroad and do, whatever it was he did. I love him, I really do. If Cal wanted to go away then I didn't mind.

Then my mum got sick, she was so ill I had to leave work to care for her. I spent every moment with her. I did everything I could for her. She was the one who wanted me to go back to work. She was the one who convinced me. She was the one who sent me away the day she died. I would've been there if I got to chose. Cal was there, he'd not been there the whole time she was sick. Now he was, the only day I wasn't, and her last day. I hated myself. I hated cal but mostly I hated myself. I tried so hard not to cut. Not to hurt myself, for Cal. But life got the better of me. I started on my thighs maker deeper cuts than I'd ever made. I felt so guilty. I had no control. I just went deeper and deeper. I just went deeper and deeper. And deeper and deeper. Until, cal caught me, mid-cut, blood everywhere, tears staining my face. He held me. Honestly, I don't think he knew what to do. I wouldn't either but he held me. He held me really tightly. Then I suppose nothing happened. Everything got better, I was happier, Cal was happier and, I don't know, everything seemed bright. Then Taylor left. Then Cal was betrayed. Suddenly, after so much hard work and effort, I didn't have my big brother again. I never thought, never thought, and I should have, that cal could... Then again suicide is considered a plausible cause of death for anyone because everyone has the power to take their own life. I just never thought anyone could reduce cal to that. I just... I'm sorry," Ethan began to stand,

"I don't believe I want to talk any longer"

"Ethan, you are always welcome here and you know you're friends, the people that suggested you come, will be there for you if ever you need to talk." The man said opening the door.

"I won't need to talk." Ethan said as he left the room.

As Ethan walked back to the ED he thought, and thought formulating a thing in his mind.

*Humans are selfish; you only want what will make you seem greater. You use what you have to put other to shame. You pressure and push people to change. You are sheep. If you stick out, as many humans do, you are lost. Lost in the endless sea of selfish ignorant bastards that don't see the world around them. People, places falling into ruin and you complain of burnt toast.

Humans are selfish.

You are all trapped. Trapped in your stupid society that patronises those who are their own person. You are lead by pompous idiotic arseholes, who do not care about you or your tattered world. Over years of war and tears your world went to ruin. It is left to the few of us who see to pull it back. Just like that though, your world will be destroyed again.

Humans again.

Humans make everything bad. You destroy your world. You tear and rip and break and expect us to pick up the pieces. Well I won't stand for it any more. I will let your world fall apart and live in my own world. Untainted by humans and unbroken by they're wicked ways, because humans are selfish.

If you think I'm ignoring you, I probably am. I do this because I must cut myself of from your selfish ways. The wickedness of the world is monumental, it is endless. I shadow myself from the truth. From the one thing I never care to admit. I shadow myself because I hate the wicked selfishness of humans. Despite this, my outlook on life and my knowledge of the selfishness, I am in fact also a human. I am one of the selfish pricks who destroy and rip and tear our world. I will not stand it anymore. I cannot continue to rip and pull and break and tear and ruin an destroy our world. I will not continue to rip and pull and break and tear and ruin and destroy our world. I should be one of the few who see and try, hopelessly, to fix our world, But, I no longer can.

So, I sit and I write and wrap myself up in my own world. A world humans are yet to have reached. A world where I can be who I am without fear of judgement. A world cut of from the ignorant bastards, the pompous arseholes and selfish pricks who have no vision. Who do not see the destructiveness of their wickedly selfish ways. I will always shadow away from the truth.

I am not human. *

By the time he reached the ED he knew what he had to do

.

A/N THIS IS THE SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER AND IM VERY SAD ABOUT THIS FACT. ANYONE, READING THIS PLEASE REVIEW IT MEANS A LOT. I'M SAD THAT NO ONE REVIEWS ANYMORE OKAY BYE


	4. Chapter 4

4.

A/N THIS IS A SHORT CHAPTER IT IS THE FINAL CHAPTER BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE MORE IMPACTING IF I DIDN'T MAKE IT LONG. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT AND HAVE YOUR TISSUE BOX READY.

Ethan knew it was wrong and he knew it was right. Caleb had always been his hero. He couldn't not without Caleb. Caleb was gone and Ethan didn't know what to do with himself. Well, other than this, he wanted to he had to. He couldn't let on though, someone might do something stupid like save him.

Ethan lay there, it was ending. His pain was ending. Everything was over. It was going to be okay. *hey cal, you were always the most important person to me. I can't do this without you not anymore. I've tried for the past four months but I can't. Cal I know you never wanted me to do this, I know you wanted me to live and to be happy. You couldn't do that so why should I? You saved me all the other times I tried this and you tried once and I let you go. Cal, I can't.*

And so it was, Ethan fell into an endless sleep. After all his barricade had broken.

A/N OMG THIS IS OVER IM SAD NOW. OKAY TIME TO FINISH SAFTEY NET. THANKS GUYS. FOR STICKING BY ME I MEAN. I LOVE Y'ALL


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